To whom it may concern at LG and T-Mobile:


Get your shit together or go fuck yourselves.

Now, I understand that "get your shit together or go fuck yourselves" is not a traditional opening for a letter, but it is a command statement. Which is one of the four types of sentences. So that's something.

You know what isn't something? Your complete lack of support for the G-Slate. Like, when you refuse to respond to G-Slate customer's questions, I don't say to myself, "Well, that's something". Which ain't a hard thing for me say, either. Said it the first time I ate a Dippin' Dot. Said it the first time I got more than 5 feet on a unicycle. For fuck's sake, I say it every time I see a cloud that looks like a boob. Which is to say, all the time. "Well, well. Sky-tits. That's something."

But, I've never said it about you. And do you know why, LG and T-Mobile? It's because you won't let me say it. There's nothing there for me to react to. No roadmap. No announcements. No responses to very fair questions about USB host support, Ice Cream Sandwich, or that time you locked the goddamn bootloader sans warning with the Honeycomb 3.1 update. Ha ha, you sure got us that time. Good one!

But seriously folks, why'd you sell me a shitsquare? Yeah, I just called the G-Slate a shitsquare. I can't even bring myself to capitalize my new name for it. And yes...I know it's actually a rectangle. But I can't use that. I just can't. 'Shitrectangle' ain't got the flow. I concede that I'm being less than fair in the assignment of a nickname here. But you understand that, don't you? Being less than fair? Like how you took many hundreds of my dollars, and the dollars of many others, early last summer...and then abandoned us within 6 months. I mean, sheesh. You made dumpster babies out of us. Hey-o! Now there's a slick-ass slogan: 'LG & T-Mobile: Making Dumpster Babies, Together'.

Admittedly, some folk might not label that a genius move. They might even have the same reaction about me for buying the LG & T-Mobile G-Slate shitsquare in the first place, I guess. Shucks. What can I say? I'm usually smarter than the average bear when it comes to consumer electronics. But hey, decisions, you know? They can't all be zingers.

It was the little things. I actually liked the peculiar aspect ratio. Seemed great for books and my scanned collection of Amazing Stories and whatnot. And that 3D gimmick? It felt dumb, but sweet. Like a shitfaced hookup with an ex who's just a great friend now, and afterwards you never talk about it again and just keep being great friends.

And overall, the look and build quality is great. But man, being a hottie on the outside just isn't enough, because crabs don't give a shit about looks.

I gotta go to work now so's I can pay off my shitsquare. Holla at you tomorrow.